


When I Go

by Phoenix_Rises_Again



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Clexa, F/F, Psychological Torture, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 15:36:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6056916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phoenix_Rises_Again/pseuds/Phoenix_Rises_Again
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The take on the Season Three finale no one asked for.  I could not get this out of my head this week.  So much so, it's prevented me from working on my other fic this week (sorry!). Hopefully since this is out of my system, I can get back to that one. Drop me a line below of what you think, or check out my tumblr blog (same name) to drop me a message.</p><p>Read the tags, you've been warned and I make no apologies for this. Sometimes you just need to do something completely different to bring what you had been doing back into focus.</p><p>Some of the songs that helped me focus and develop this:</p><p>Here With Me-Susie Suh & Robot Koch<br/>For Blue Skies-Strays Don't Sleep<br/>Please Don't Go-Joel Adams<br/>Afterlife (feat. Echos)-Illenium</p>
            </blockquote>





	When I Go

**WHEN I GO**

_Come back to me…_  
****

      The words whispered in quiet desperation cutting through the black abyss that had consumed Clarke as she had seized on the concrete steps of the City of Light.  Clarke had made her peace long ago, welcoming death as it finally reached out to claim her, pulling her down into its peaceful depths.  She had already believed that she’d lost everyone she had ever held dear, the earth claiming their souls for itself without any regard for her.  Finally, she too could be at peace with those she had lost.

_Come back to me…_

      As Clarke’s soul had all but released its hold on the physical world, those four little words had cut through her life a knife, shocking her system and causing her to pause.  Death waited for no one, but in that moment, wait it did.  The words were spoken by a voice she had all but thought was gone from this world, never to be heard again.  She had fought, harder than any other time in her life, to resurface, to open her eyes one last time.  She had to know before she left this world, had to know if what her mind- fried from the effects of ALIE’s manipulations- had actually heard what she thought.  Focusing on her breathing, she found her link back to the world of the living in the rise and fall of her own chest.

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

      She had slowly blinked, still struggling to bring herself back from the brink.  As she opened her eyes, the sunlight momentarily blinding her, the person hovered over her, their face blocking the sun and moving into focus.  Clarke blinked, not fully believing her eyes.  Reaching a shaking hand up, she lightly touched the woman’s face, her fingers coming back covered black from the war paint on her face. 

      “It can’t be,” Clarke said breathlessly, quickly moving to sit up.

      Lexa smiled at her, cupping Clarke’s face between both of her own hands.  “I swear to you, this is real,” Lexa assured her.

      Clarke continued to stare down at her hand, fingers still covered in black paint.

      “But I watched you die…” Clarke was struggling to associate the image of the girl before her with the image that she had in her mind, neither one making any sense.

      For months she had been forced to watch those that she loved most suffer and die in front of her, Clarke helpless to do anything.  Her mind had been convinced those images had been real, that they had truly died.  Now, as Lexa sat in front of her, living and breathing, _touching_ her, she didn’t know what to think.  Perhaps this girl was the trick, some last cruel joke her mind was playing on her before she died.  But Lexa was touching her, the paint on her hands was real, she could feel it between her fingers when she rubbed them together.

      She blinked a few more times, staring into the green eyes that gazed at her with a mixture of love, relief, and concern.  As she stared, it was as though they grounded her, giving her a comparison point for the world around them.  She watched as the scenery around them shifted briefly, going from a utopian society to the burned out rubbled remains of what had once been a great city.  As quickly as it flashed before her, it disappeared again.  Confusion crossed her features, trying to understand what she was seeing, her mind completely unable to comprehend.

      “You need to listen to me, Clarke.  What you’re seeing is a trick, a world fabricated by ALIE”  Lexa shifted, placing her hands on Clarke’s shoulders and forcing her to focus on the brunette.  “Trust me, feel me.  I’m here.  I’m real.”

      Clarke glanced around them at the beautiful city they were situated in the middle of.  Everything was clean, the sun glinting off the glass of the buildings surrounding them.  They were seated in the middle of what appeared to be a downtown business square, buildings rising to touch the heavens above on each side of them.  Clarke looked further down the stairs they were currently seated on, looking at the fountain sitting at the bottom, the white water rushing up in an intricate design before falling back into it’s basin. 

      She blinked and suddenly the fountain was cracked, the water no longer present.  As she looked around, she saw the buildings that had just been there a moment ago were now gone, piles of glass and concrete where they had been standing.  Everything around them was burning, the smoke obscuring the sun and making Clarke’s throat burn.

      Clarke shook her head, the image reverting to the pristine city once more, but this time, the edges of it were blurred, as though it were just a screen waiting to be pulled down.  Clarke could still smell the smoke, though nothing was burning in this version of the world.  Clarke looked back at Lexa, realizing that while the world around her kept shimmering and shifting, Lexa remained unchanged.

      “I…I don’t know what to believe…” Clarke slowly shook her head back and forth, still confused.

      “Look at me, Clarke. I am real, believe in me, just like you always have, “ Lexa pleaded.

      Clarke’s mind screamed at her that this Lexa before her was just another trick, that there was no way she could be alive.  Her heart ached for the woman before her, begging her to be real and not a mirage.  Her hand reached out in the space between them, afraid to touch Lexa again, afraid that she would disappear.  As it hovered there, shaking, Lexa brought up her own hand, gently taking it and bringing it to her own chest.  As she placed it palm down on her exposed skin, Clarke could feel the warmth radiating from beneath it, could feel Lexa’s chest moving with each breath.  

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

      As she marveled at the feeling, her mind reached a tipping point, finally starting to believe that what she was seeing was true.  At that, the world shimmered around them again, the dystopian reappearing once again before being replaced by the picturesque city once more.  She watched the shimmering, and pressed her palm to the brunette’s skin, feeling the heart beat slamming against it, and she was convinced that Lexa was real.

      Before she knew what she was doing, Clarke’s hand moved from Lexa’s chest to tangle in the brunette hair and pulled Lexa’s face to her own.  Their lips crashed together, Clarke moving hers hungrily against Lexa’s, her desperation apparent.  Lexa deepened the kiss, placing her hands on Clarke’s waist to steady both of them as Clarke assured herself that this was not a dream, that Lexa was indeed alive and in front of her.  Clarke’s tongue shot out and caressed Lexa’s lower lip, seeking a permission that was quickly granted by the brunette, Clarke’s tongue invading Lexa’s mouth.  They both lost themselves in the taste and feel of the kiss, both needing to substantiate that the other was real and alive.

      After a moment, too brief in Clarke’s mind, Lexa pulled back and rested her forehead against Clarkes, both women’s breathing slightly labored. 

      “I’m happy to see you as well,” Lexa chuckled quietly.

      Clarke couldn’t speak, overwhelmed with emotion at the fact that this moment was real.  She refused to open her eyes, reveling in the feel of Lexa’s hands on her hips and her forehead pressed against her own.  Tears poured silently down her face, only happiness and relief behind them.

      “I thought I’d lost you forever,” Clarke whispered.

      “I feared the same…,” Lexa replied, equally as quiet.

      At that, Clarke opened her eyes, blue meeting green, Clarke seeing for the first time the same fear reflected in Lexa’s eyes.  As Clarke stared at the brunette, her face covered in war paint and soot, she became distinctly aware of the world around them shifting once more, this time permanently reflecting the apocalyptic scene she had thought was fake. 

      “Where are we,” she asked Lexa, looking around.

      “Before the Great War, this was an amazing city, or so we’ve been told by our elders.  ALIE has been using it to control our people, and, for the last few weeks, you.  She calls it the City of Light.” Lexa shifted, sitting back and looking around as well.

      “I’ve never experienced anything like what she can do, Lexa.  Everything…everything felt real.” Clarke shuddered as the memories poured over her.  “I lost everyone I ever cared about…I lost you.”

      “I lost you as well.  It was the hardest time of my life, but we’re both ok and we’re both together.” Lexa ran her hands through Clarke’s hair, playing with it.  “We do need to move though.  ALIE will have already realized that your mind is free.  Can you stand?”

      “I think so,” Clarke replied, shifting to stand and regretting the immediate loss of proximity to Lexa.  Now that Clarke had Lexa back, she would never let her go again.  Lexa kept their hands joined as she led Clarke down the steps, now crumbling, and through the rubble towards a skeleton of a building.  Reaching it, she crouched down inside, pulling Clarke down with her. 

      “What are we doing?” Clarke asked, confused as to why they were stopping.

      “I just need a moment,” Lexa said, Clarke noticing for the first time that she was pale.

      “What’s going on,” Clarke asked, worry creeping into her voice.

       She saw the hesitation in Lexa’s face, as though she couldn’t decide whether to tell Clarke the truth or not.

      “Lexa, please,” Clarke implored, squeezing her hand. “I can handle it.”

      Lexa sighed, too tired to argue.  “You know how ALIE works, taking over your brain and controlling what you see, when you see it, and how you see it?”

      Clarke nodded her understanding, quietly spurring Lexa on with another squeeze of their joined hands.

      “She not only controls your mind, but also your body.  Because of the Nightblood that I have, it is nearly impossible for her to control me.  My blood doesn’t hold the same qualities as those with red blood.  My mind is also strong, further preventing her hold on me.  If I’d had a weak mind, even with the Nightblood, she still may have been able to control me.” Lexa stopped, her face falling slightly.  “That being said, it is not easy to maintain a mental wall while also attempting to traverse this city.  ALIE’s guards are everywhere.  She controls a great many people.”

      “So she’s trying to gain control of you right now,” Clarke asked, slightly confused.

      “She has been this whole time.  When she lost her hold on you, her efforts became more insistent, I assume because your mind is strong and gave her much power that she is now without.”  Lexa rubbed at her temples, massaging them as her brow furrowed.  “I could not bring anyone else with me, for fear that ALIE would turn them against us.”

      Clarke put her hand under the girl’s chin, tilting it up so that Lexa would look at her.  “How do we end her?”

      “We must find the computer that controls her and destroy it,” Lexa replied, the strain of the invisible battle in her head bleeding into her words.

      Clarke stood and offered her hand to Lexa, helping the girl to stand.  She could tell that Lexa was steadily growing weaker, ALIE’s effect on her becoming more apparent.

      “Point me in the right direction and let’s go kill the bitch,” Clarke said determinedly.

      Lexa gestured to her left, pointing to a crumbling house on top of a hill.  As Clarke looked at it, she saw a group of about four people moving from in front of it and in the direction of the two women.  Clarke drew her sword, Lexa doing the same as they both moved forward to meet the individuals.  As they met, Clarke stiffened as she realized that the men were Grounders from Polis, men that she had known personally.  Seeing Clarke’s hesitation, Lexa placed a reassuring hand on her arm and looked at the blond.

      “Their minds are lost, Clarke.  We do what we must to survive.”

      Clarke nodded and stole herself against her emotions at having to kill innocents yet again.  She silently cursed ALIE as she charged forward, going on the offensive immediately.  They were able to dispatch all four fairly easily, Clarke having become quite skilled with a sword in her time with Lexa in Polis.  She had noticed that as they fought, all four men had been utterly emotionless, no life in their eyes.  It was as if they were robots.  Clarke hated it, but it made it a little easier on her as she had buried her sword into the second ones chest.  Turning, it was to find Lexa down on one knee, breathing heavily from the strain the fight had put on her. 

      “You should stay here,” Clarke said worriedly, “you will push yourself too much if you continue.”

      “I will be ok, Clarke, I promise,” Lexa replied, shakily getting to her feet.

      “I can’t lose you again,” Clarke whispered.

      “You won’t, but we need to do this,” Lexa said, her voice stronger then she appeared.

      Clarke studied her, taking in her clearly exhausted appearance, circles now under her eyes standing out in stark contrast to her pale skin. There was a fine sheen of sweat glistening across Lexa’s forehead as well.  The concern clearly showed on Clarke’s face because Lexa placed a hand on her arm and locked gazes with her.

      “We need to keep moving,” she said, her tone leaving no room for argument.  Clarke looked at her for one long moment and then nodded, turning to proceed up the hill and toward the house.

      Climbing the hill was torturously slow, Clarke having to eventually support Lexa by throwing one of her arms over her shoulders.  With each step they took, she could feel Lexa growing weaker, her weight falling more heavily on Clarke.  This only caused Clarke to move with more purpose and expediency, knowing they needed to get to ALIE before it was too late.  As they reached the top of the hill, the entrance to the house loomed ahead of them, door thrown wide.  Just like the city below it, the house itself was in ruins, all of the windows shattered, no doors to be seen and the paint peeling off.  Clarke could tell that it had been a mansion of some kind, likely belonging to someone wealthy and prominent before the war.  Looking at Lexa one more time, the brunette nodding to indicate she was ok and ready, they entered the ruined home.

      Both women tensed, readying to be attacked as they walked over the threshold, both surprised when only silence greeted them.  They had both been expecting a heavy defense, at least one of ALIE’s flying droids to alert the machine of their presence.  They moved cautiously down one of the many hallways towards the back of the house, Lexa silently indicating which direction to go with a single nod.  As they entered what Clarke had assumed to once be the kitchen, twisted steel and broken dishes littering the floor, she came to an abrupt stop as a muted glow by one of the doors caught her attention.  Lexa, whose focus had been on not tripping, whipped her head up and scanned their surroundings, looking for whatever had brought Clarke up short.  Landing on the glow, she squinted, trying to make out the source.

      “I’d say we’re headed in the right direction,” Clarke muttered quietly.

      “It’s also become increasingly more difficult for me to hold ALIE at bay, we’re definitely close,” Lexa replied equally as quiet, the strain still apparent in her voice.

      They walked toward the glow, the light growing in intensity the closer they got.  They walked over to a door with stairs leading down into what Clarke presumed to be a basement, the light shining up at them.  Clarke drew her sword silently, Lexa doing the same behind her, and they both proceeded down the stairs. 

      Upon reaching the bottom, the light suddenly disappeared, casting both Lexa and Clarke in total darkness.  Clarke could not even see her hand in front of her face and reached out in the darkness, trying to find Lexa.  As their hands tangled together, they were suddenly blinded by a burst of light, both of them cringing and shrinking back a step.  As the light dimmed slightly, Clarke could make out two figures walking out from the center of it towards them.  As they drew nearer, Clarke felt Lexa stiffen beside her, her hand falling from Clarke’s.  Before Clarke had a chance to ask her what was wrong, she recognized one of the figures walking towards them.  It was Finn.

      Clarke felt the air leave her body, the utter shock of seeing the boy she had loved so long ago standing in front of her.

      “Finn?” Clarke was barely able to choke the word out, her throat thick with disbelief.

      The figure that was Finn remained silent but kept walking toward her until he was standing only feet in front of her.  Clarke shook her head back and forth slowly, still struggling to understand what she was seeing.  She glanced at Lexa, trying to determine if Lexa saw him as well, but Lexa’s attention was focused on the second figure standing before them, a petite and beautiful black haired girl.  Her skin matched the color of Lincoln’s, her eyes a clear grey with hair falling around her face in tight black curls.  She was slightly shorter then Clarke and her face was kind in appearance but also young, no older than 16 or 17 Clarke guessed.  As Clarke looked at Lexa, she saw the brunettes face shatter as Lexa reached a hand out to touch the girl before her, not quite able to bring herself to make contact with her.

      “Costia…” Clarke heard the word fall from Lexa’s mouth, breathless, disbelief and shock coating it.

      Clarke’s eyes widened as she realized who the girl was, her heart breaking for Lexa, seeing how the image of the girl had instantly changed the brunettes demeanor.  Finn remained in front of Clarke, still staring silently, his eyes boring into her soul but she ignored him, her sole focus on Lexa.  She watched the brunette’s shoulders slump forward in shame as she stared in silent, wide-eyed shock at the girl now standing in front of her.  Clarke could see all of the repressed guilt at her failure to prevent Costia’s demise flit across Lexa’s face.  Before either of them could form words, it was Costia who spoke next, the venom in her tone a direct contrast to her angelic face.

      “ _Ripa_ ,” she spat at Lexa, the word cold and filled with malice.

      Clarke watched Lexa flinch at the word, as though the Costia had physically struck her.

      “You _traitor_ ,” Costia continued, hate seething from her as she took a step toward Lexa, who shrank back under the new and unexpected assault.

      “I never wanted you to suffer for me, I’m so sorry,” Lexa replied, her eyes rimmed with tears, her face flushed with the exertion of keeping them at bay.

      “You’re sorry?” Clarke watched as the girls face morphed into a cruel smile. “ _You’re_ sorry?! Do you have any idea the pain I suffered because of _you_? What they did to me… _you_ can’t even begin to imagine.”

       With that, cuts suddenly appeared across the expanse of Costia’s body, jagged and bleeding, some of them deep enough to see the white bone beneath.  They covered her face, destroying the beauty it had previously held.  Clarke cringed at the sight, Lexa paling and looking as though she might be sick.  When it became too gruesome to bear, Clarke squeezed her eyes shut, only to hear the sickening sound of bones breaking instead.  She heard a quiet whimper escape Lexa that forced her eyes open once more.  Looking at the brunette, who now had a hand over her open mouth, her eyes bulging as she stared at Costia.  Clarke’s eyes reluctantly wandered back to the other girl, having to fight back the urge to vomit when she saw the awkward angle that every finger now exhibited.  It appeared as though each individual finger had been broken numerous times, each sticking out a different way.

      “For days they tortured me for your secrets.  All because I was _yours_.” Costia took another step towards Lexa, forcing the brunette back further.  “I refused to tell them anything, not one word, because I thought it was the right thing to do.  That you _loved_ me.” 

      Lexa was openly crying now, the guilt over Costia’s accusations overwhelming her.  The pure anguish now displayed on her face stabbed at Clarke’s soul, her own compassion at the girls suffering spurring her into action.  Clarke moved to assist Lexa, but was immediately blocked by Finn, who shook his head at her.  Clarke felt arms snake out from behind her, two men appearing from nowhere and locking her in place, forcing her to bear witness to Lexa’s shame but be helpless to stop it, similar to ALIE’s previous illusion of what Clarke had thought was Lexa’s death.  That was when the realization struck Clarke, understanding lighting her features.  She watched as Lexa’s back hit the wall behind her, Costia still advancing on her, her legs giving way as she slid to the floor.  Clarke watched as she withered further under the accusatory stare of Costia.

      “It’s a trick, Lexa!  She isn’t real” Clarke cried, trying to catch the brunettes attention, but it was too late, Lexa’s sole focus on the livid girl standing above her.

      “I _died_ for you!” Costia yelled, an angry red slash appearing across her neck, stretching from ear to ear, forming a grotesque smile.  Blood ran down her chest in rivulets, soaking her shirt and painting it red.  “I suffered endlessly in ways you could never imagine, but remained loyal to _you_ , and how did you repay me?  Someone you supposedly _loved_?  You made peace with my captors!  You offered them a place amongst you in your court!  In the very city we called home!”

      Costia was visibly shaking above Lexa, her anger twisting her features further.  Lexa could not tear her gaze away from the girl, tears still running down her face.

      “I’m so sorry. I know, I’m sorry.  I couldn't save you.  I was just trying to do what was right for my people,” Lexa tried to explain weakly.

      “Your people?! I was your _person_!  The one you chose to spend your life with and you betrayed me!”

      Clarke could feel Costia’s rage, even from where she was.  She watched as Lexa visibly shrank under Costia’s wrath, the guilt eating her alive in front of Clarke.

      “Lexa! Fight it, it isn’t real! _She_ isn’t real,” Clarke pleaded.

      Clarke saw something shift in Lexa’s face, Clarke’s words finally seeming to penetrate the hell she was surrounded in.  Clarke fought against the strong hands holding her, pulling violently against them, to no avail.

      “Lexa! Please!” she yelled.  “This is just another one of ALIE’s tricks! I’m real! Believe in me!” Clarke repeated the words Lexa had spoken to her earlier, hoping they would shake the girl out of her own mind.  Clarke watched as the war in Lexa’s eyes intensified, Clarke’s words having their desired effect.  Lexa shook her head slowly, pushing herself to a standing position still against the wall.

      “You’re…you’re not real…” she said as she looked at Costia through tear brimmed eyes.  It still sounded like a question, as though Lexa still wasn’t sure.  Costia’s imaged shifted in and out of focus as Lexa spoke the words, ALIE’s control over Lexa slipping slightly.  Seeing the effect the words had, Lexa spoke again, this time more convincingly.  “You’re not her.  You’ll _never_ be her.”

      “I _am_ her,” Costia argued, beginning to look panicked.

      “No.  No, you aren’t.”  Lexa shook her head as if physically trying to shake the remaining mental hold ALIE still had over her off.  The image of Costia shimmered before them once more, this time more violently, Lexa’s mind rebelling against it.  “Go away, you’re desecrating the real memory of her,” Lexa told the image as it continued to fade.

      Costia’s mouth was still moving, but the sounds were now indistinguishable, the sound fading along with her image until she was gone completely.  Clarke watched Lexa reach a hand out to the wall to steady herself, the overwhelming assault from the girl she had once loved having taken it’s toll on her.  She took a couple breaths to compose herself and then looked up in search of Clarke, stilling when she saw her held back by two large men. Finn had faded when Costia had, thankfully never having a chance to say a word or dredge Clarke through their last encounter.  

      The men holding Clarke tightened their grip briefly as Lexa advanced on them, sword drawn.  Deciding better, one dropped back to produce his own weapon, some instrument that was ax like in appearance, freeing one of Clarke’s arms so that she could push the remaining man off her other side and turn to face him with her own sword drawn.  The two put up more of a fight then the previous soldiers had, leaving Clarke drained after finally dropping hers.  She turned to see Lexa propped against the wall again, breathing heavy and sweat pouring off of her, the second guy lying dead at her feet. 

      “Lexa…” she said tentatively and stepping towards the girl, unsure if the girl was injured.

      “I’m ok, Clarke, we’re nearly there.”  Lexa grasped Clarke’s hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze.  “Go, I will only slow you down from here, destroy her, Clarke.”

      “I don’t want to leave you…” Clarke said uncertainly.

      “Go, I will defend you from here, ensure that no one else comes through to disrupt you,” Lexa argued.

      After thinking for a moment, Clarke knew that Lexa was right.  Her mind needed to be focused in order to defeat ALIE.  She also knew the faster she could accomplish that task, the better Lexa would feel.  Pulling the brunette close, she pressed their lips together, still not thrilled with the idea of leaving her behind in her weakened condition. She pulled back and rested her forehead on Lexa’s, looking into the deep green eyes in front of her.

      “Ai hod yu in,” Clarke told her.

      “I love you too,” Lexa replied, pressing another quick kiss to Clarke’s lips.  “Now go, I’ll be here waiting for you.”

      Clarke moved away reluctantly, looking over her shoulder at Lexa one last time before continuing into the next room to face ALIE.  Taking a deep breath, she stepped through the open doorway.

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

 

**XXX**

 

      The fight had been quick, ALIE’s remaining warriors barely a thought for Clarke.  She had dispatched them easily and quickly, moving to the innermost room of the basement, where she had found ALIE’s operating system.  ALIE herself had been waiting, but was helpless to put up much of a fight without a physical body and Clarke had already broken ALIE’s mental hold over her.  Clarke had not hesitated to smash the technology to pieces, obliterating the well dressed and beautiful woman in front of her once and for all.  She had gone running back with the pieces to where she had left Lexa, her excitement to show the Commander that they had been successful overwhelming her and pulling her features into a huge grin.  As she had turned the corner, she’d frozen in place, the grin slipping slowly from her face.  Lexa had been slumped over on the ground, her back to Clarke and her sword laying uselessly at her side. 

      Clarke had rushed to the girls side, relieved to find that she was still breathing but completely unresponsive to Clarke’s voice and touch.  Clarke had hauled the girl up, throwing her over her shoulder in a fireman’s hold, Lexa’s limp form weighing heavily on Clarke.  As she walked, Lexa’s arms swung back and forth brushing Clarke’s backside and slightly hindering her ability to walk.  Clarke had carried her back out of the house, down the hill, and through the rubble of the destroyed city, never slowing or stopping.  

      At the outskirts, she had been met by Indra, Octavia, and Lincoln- all of them clearly anxious for their Commander’s return.  Upon seeing Clarke, they rushed over, distress clear in all of their faces.  The look on Clarke’s face told them all that she would not stop and she did not require their assistance.  After a moment, they respectfully fell in behind her, following her over to the waiting horses.  They watched in morose silence as Clarke situated Lexa atop one and climbed up after her, Clarke supporting Lexa’s unconscious form with her own body.  They rode back to Polis in complete silence, Clarke pushing her horse as hard as she could, the trip only a few hours long.  Lexa never stirred.

      Arriving in Polis, the guards had stared at Clarke with their mouths open, too dumbstruck at their Heda’s state to open the gates until Indra had barked orders at them to do so.  Once through the gates, Clarke had again pushed her horse to it’s limits as she raced to the medical bay her mother had set up after Skaikru had joined the Coalition.  Arriving, she had slid of the now taxed horse, gently pulling Lexa’s still unconscious form from it’s back as well and hoisting the alarmingly still girl over her shoulders once again.  Upon entering the medical bay, her mother had rushed over, clearly thrilled to see her daughter again after weeks of her being missing in the City of Light, but her attention was quickly diverted to Lexa.  Clarke had simply walked past her and laid Lexa down on the closest empty table.

      She had stared pointedly at Abby, who was still a bit flummoxed at her daughter having finally returned but with a nearly lifeless Commander in tow.  She had snapped out of it quickly rushing to Lexa’s side and barking out orders to one of her other aids.  Clarke had sat quietly, holding Lexa’s hand the whole time, refusing to leave the girl again.  The flurry of movement had carried on around her, Clarke having lost herself in the slow but steady movement of Lexa’s chest as it rose and fell with each breath.  

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

      Finally the fervent movements had ceased, Abby regretfully declaring that there was nothing further to be done, Lexa needing time to heal.  Clarke simply watched the continued rise and fall of the brunette’s chest, never saying one word.

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

      For days Clarke sat at Lexa’s side, never saying a word and refusing to move.  Her face had remained devoid of emotion, her eyes never straying from the girl lying before her, searching for any movement, any sign of life.  Almost the entire city had come through to pay their respects to their Heda, each reverently bowing before her.  Clarke refused to meet any of their gazes, unwilling to see the pity that she knew she was sure to find in their eyes.  Instead she focused on Lexa’s chest, the only part of her that moved normally.

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

On the fourth day, Clarke woke to find someone had set up partitions around Lexa’s bed to give her some dignified privacy.  Clarke had been silently appreciative of it, knowing it was what Lexa would have preferred, not one to make a spectacle of herself in such a state.  Clarke had watched as Lexa’s pallor steadily turned to gray, the color that life had once given her cheeks now gone.  Her cheeks had sunken, becoming hollow and dark at the lack of sustenance, the IV fluids not enough.  Her lips, lips that had at one point tenderly kissed the most intimate parts of Clarke, had eventually dried and cracked, also losing their lifelike quality.  Even the hand that Clarke kept a firm grip on had eventually become frail as well as it sat clasped in her own.  A hand that had at one time actively sought Clarke’s in the middle of the night for comfort after a bad dream or, just as randomly, in the middle of the market for reassurance that Clarke was still there and was still hers, as they had wandered among the many merchant stands in Polis. 

      Abby had explained that while Lexa’s physical body had survived the City of Light, ALIE’s hold on her mind had been too much, eventually breaking Lexa’s mind.  While the physical Lexa existed, the Lexa that Clarke had known was already gone, just an empty husk left in it’s place.  Indra had told her then that Lexa had known going in that this would be the likely outcome, but she had been unwilling to allow Clarke to continue to suffer at ALIE’s hands.  Clarke’s face had remained blank as Abby had explained the science of it all, Clarke eventually tuning her out.  Clarke had instead continued to focus on the rise and fall of Lexa’s chest, the one thing that had remained unchanged in the many days that had passed while Lexa’s body atrophied before her very eyes.  

_In…_

_…Out_

_In…_

      On the fifth day, Clarke had leaned down to the place her face next to the brunette’s, whispering in her ear.

_Come back to me…_

      As expected, she had received no response, and she sat back, taking her free hand and playing with the brunette locks framing Lexa’s gaunt face.  She continued to stare at Lexa’s chest, waiting…

_In…_

_…_

_…Out…_

_…_

_In…_

On the sixth day, Lexa’s breathing slowed significantly, coming only a few times every minute, her lungs wheezing with the effort of each single breath.  Clarke remained ever vigilant at her side, clutching her hand as each breath rattled in and out, each one clearly taking a herculean effort to push in and out.  Taking Lexa’s hand between both of her own, she brushed her lips chastely across the back of it before raising it to rest against her forehead as she bent her head and closed her eyes, silently praying for a miracle she knew was never coming.  She sat that way for a while, simply listening to the labored breathing of the woman she loved with every cell in her body.

_In…_

_…_

      The silence was deafening, Clarke refusing to look up for fear of having her worst nightmare confirmed.  

_...Out…_

_…_

      Finally, after a moment that seemed to last an eternity, she slowly raised her head, desperately searching for the rise and fall of Lexa’s chest.  

_In…_

_…_

     She leaned in and pressed her lips to Lexa’s, the salt from tears she hadn’t known she’d been shedding coating their lips and causing a bitter taste.  Clarke stood and looked down upon the woman she loved, the woman who had encouraged Clarke to always be the best version of herself, who had united their people, who had always cared for Clarke above all else.  The woman who, ultimately, had given her life for their love.  For all of those reasons and more, Clarke silently let her go, tacitly giving the brunette permission to leave her.  Clarke knew death was an inevitability of life, especially on Earth; having to now face it alone made it somehow more vicious and unfeasible.

      Tears poured down Clarke’s cheeks and dropped to the brunette resting pale and haggard below her, Lexa’s final agonizing exhale shuddering out between her cracked lips as her chest stilled, never to move again, and Clarke felt herself shatter into a million pieces.

_…_

_…Out…_


End file.
